just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize