so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im holly from the hills drunk
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
