The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
