beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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