So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
