For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
