Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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