It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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