I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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