So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette