Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I did not marry a roomba.
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