if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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