my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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