I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
