Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
