Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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