It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
