I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
