and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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