Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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