Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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