mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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