You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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