Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
