yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
