His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
