Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My cat gives me a boner
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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