When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just come out here and I will go home with you...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
