just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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