My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
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Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize