(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
