I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
