I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
