He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
