my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
