So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
