I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
