Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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