the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
