he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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