The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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