Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop