Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
