I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
