I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
