i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
