I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
