I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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