I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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