I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
