A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
