My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
