I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
