thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
