I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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